Humor

INT. RESTAURANT OR DINNER TABLE. DAY

MEAT-GAN and their friends sit down at a table. They all bring out their food and Meat-gan gives the stink eye to the people with salad. Meat-Gan’s eyes grow wide as they realize that everyone is consuming plants happily. Meat-gan is shocked, appalled, horrified at the sight before them. People eat plants in slow motion messily, chomping down without a care in the world. They continue eating as Meat-gan gets more and more worked up, the black bars really coming in hot and some nice ringing audio hell yeah.

Meat-gan slams their hands down on the table.

Meatgan: You’re really going to eat those plants in front of me?

Dead silence. Everyone looks up from their salads. Lettuce falls out of their gaping mouths. Is Meat-gan on crack?

Meatgan: You know I’m meat-gan.

Friend 1: What?

Meatgan: Meat-gan. (beef. nobody knows what they’re talking about. they look around confused then continue speaking) I made a twitter post about this last night. (proud) I’ve officially gone meat-gan.

Friend 2: Do you mean vegan?

Meatgan (appalled, taken aback): MEAT-gan. (self-righteously) I’ve made the bold decision to not take part in the mass murder of plants.

Friend 1: Wait so you’re… a carnivore? Is that what this is?

Meatgan (hurt, offended): This is nothing like being a carnivore. Being a carnivore is primitive. Being a meat-gan is a lifestyle choice.

Friend 2: Oh, I think I understand

Friend 1: What do you mean you understand?! This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

Meatgan: You clearly don’t understand what going meat-gan means. When you eat plants, you’re hurting the environment. I’m doing my part and not damaging mother earth more than I have to. I’m SAVING oxygen.

Friend 2: Oh man, I could never do that. Plants are too delicious.

Meatgan (flexing): I know. It’s so hard. But I guess my moral fiber is stronger than others…

MEATGAN looks over at Friend 1 who is still eating their salad. Friend 1 stops mid bite and puts down their fork. Meatgan begins to chomp down on their meat sandwich (2 cuts of meat sandwiching together another cut of meat idk something nasty like that). Passerby walks past Meatgan and Friend 1 and 2’s table, doing a double take on the meat sandwich.

Passerby: Sorry I don’t mean to intrude but… is that a meat sandwich?

Meatgan: Yeah. I actually just went —

Passerby: Meatgan? Oh my god, me too! Wow, it’s so nice to finally meet so many other —

Passerby looks at Friend 1 and 2’s plates, noting all the plants. Friend 1 looks embarrased and hides his plate. Passerby gets increasingly more enraged (re: the anger Meatgan had in the first part)

Passerby: I mean, another meatgan.

Meatgan: That’s what I’ve been saying! I’ve been trying to get these two to go meatgan for sooooo many years!

Friend 1: You literally just went meatgan yes–

Passerby: Me too! Honestly, I can’t even look at plants for too long without getting (passerby shudders). (friend 2 understandably nods)

Friend 1: Hold on, shut up! This is ridiculous. If you really want to save the environment, how about — oh, I don’t know — not eating animals? Animals have feelings. Plants don’t.

Meatgans look confused. Passerby raises an eyebrow. They shared a confused look, contemplating the idea that plants don’t have feelings. They whisper to each other silently, sharing a few silent laughs or whatever before Meatgan turns back to Friend 1.

Meatgan: Look, I’m not saying that being meatgan makes you smarter than everyone else… but a meatgan would never say that. (beef) Being meatgan isn’t for everyone. I guess people like you just… don’t have what it takes.

Friend 1: I don’t think I’m —

Friend 2 sheepishly pushes away their salad, avoiding eye contact with Friend 1.

Friend 1: Oh my god, not you too?

Friend 2: I just… the science isn’t conclusive y’know? Meatganism… it makes sense.

Friend 1: You’ve got to be —

Meatgan and Passerby high five Friend 2 and they all move to the same side of the table. Friend 1 looks between Friend 2 and Meatgan/Passerby, angry and defiant. Meatgan, Passerby, and Friend 2 look smugly at each other, all crossing their arms and looking distastefully at Friend 1’s food choice in front of them. Slow motion: Meatgan smirks, Passerby shakes their head at Friend 1, Friend 2 sneakily pulls some lettuce out of their teeth.

Friend 1 see’s he’s not getting anywhere, and hits his salad off the table standing up.

Friend 1: You know what, you guys can have fun with your stupid meat. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to happily get a bottle of balsamic dressing and murder some plants elsewhere.

Friend 1 storms off. The meatgans crowd around the fallen salad. The original meatgan picks up a lettuce leaf, caressing it.

Meatgan: There there, you’re alright now

The camera reveals a small, cute face on the lettuce leaf, crying softly.

Fin