“Gay”

By Sarah Martinez

There I was, in the one situation I hoped I never would be in. I guess, if you think about it, it was kind of inevitable considering how long they have been together. I just thought if I never thought about it, it would never come, but here I am. Sitting across the table from the one person who I love most in this world, Jack. Though, unfortunately not alone. We are accompanied by my father, my mother, and, of course, the one person who he loves most in this world, my sister, Laynie. The dinner seemed to be going pretty well so far. Conversation flowing smoothly between everyone. Well everyone but me of course. I just sat there in silence, my eyes shifting between the food on my plate and his face. For a second thought, I must’ve gotten lost in thought because, at this moment, he was the only thing I saw. I studied his face deeply. The way he smiled and blushed when someone complimented him. The way he furrowed his eyebrows when he was deep in juicy conversation. His big beautiful blue eyes, and the way that they light up when he looks at you. How his hair was the perfect in between of messy and neat. And that smile…

“Devon?” I heard my mom yell. I snapped out of it and my eyes shifted back to the potatoes in front of me. “Honey, are you going to eat?” She asked again. But before I could even answer her question, I was already halfway up the stairs. I got to my room and locked the door behind me. What the hell is wrong with you? I asked myself. I let my mind wander for a bit. I then glanced at the clock radio on my desk. It read 11:30. I closed off my lights and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning to the piercing ring of my alarm. Today I was actually somewhat excited to go to school, well kind of. Auditions for the musical were during lunch block, and I was going for the lead. I know that there is absolutely no chance I would get it, considering the same person takes it every year, but auditions were my finest form of entertainment so I might as well take a risk, right?

My first few blocks were pretty boring that day, But time seemed t pass slower than ever. Restlessly waiting for the bell to ring at the end of each one and finally, it was lunch. Strolling down the hallway on the way to the theater, I was confronted by the slightly unpleasant and annoying, acne-ridden face of my best friend Cam. “You excited?” he asked. “Yeah” I answered unenthusiastically. “What’s up?” Cam demanded, “Why are you so nervous? Auditions don’t usually make you nervous” he looked at me and then made eyes at Jack who was standing across the hall. “I’m not,” I responded. I rolled my eyes and walked ahead of him to avoid the rest of the conversation. Cam has always been somewhat skeptical about me being straight, and even though I am not completely sure myself, it’s not something you want to hear about constantly from your best friend who is openly gay and completely comfortable with who he is.

It’s been two days since the auditions were held and the castings were to be posted today at lunch. I already knew that I didn’t get a good part. I was most likely cast as an extra and a stagehand just like the two previous years. Meanwhile, Jack will get cast as the male lead, and given we’re doing Romeo and Juliet, Julia Meyers will play Juliet. I really just couldn’t wait to watch the two fall in love right before my eyes.

A few weeks had passed since the castings went up. Play rehearsals had been every Tuesday after school in the theater, and I guess they had been going fairly well. Things at home have also been good. Laynie has been bringing Jack over more often, which, not going to lie, was a little awkward for me. I guess I have learned how to manage around my family though. I have also been giving jack rides home from rehearsals sometimes. You could say that we have been getting pretty close lately. This seemed to make Laynie happy, it was really important to her that Jack and our family got along well . More recently I began to notice that my crush on Jack was just that. There was no hope for anything to ever come of it. Or so I thought.

That very next Tuesday, I gave Jack a ride home. When we go there, no one was home. I assumed my parents were working and Laynie was probably out with some friends or something. Jack asked me if I wanted to practice some lines with him because he had to be off-script by next week. I agreed. We were going through almost the whole play and everything seemed to be going smoothly. I quite enjoyed playing his romantic interest, though there wasn’t any real chemistry. That was, until we got to the scene where Romeo and Juliet first kiss. “Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake” My heart began to beat harder and harder as he looked deep into my eyes. I knew that he was just practicing for the stage, but something seemed different than before. “Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take,” he said, keeping his eyes fixed on mine. He paused. I wasn’t going to move on, this was his rehearsal, he was in the lead here. My Focused stayed where it was, both of us completely transfixed in one another. I opened my mouth to tell him we should move on, but before I could get a word out his lips were on mine. I could not believe what was happening. Though the kiss only lasted a few seconds, it felt like forever. At first, I was confused and I began to question. Why? He can’t do this! What about Laynie? But then it all stopped. I gave in and decided to enjoy the moment. As soon as I did he pulled away, quickly. He covered his lips with his fingers and looked at me at first in confusion and then in disgust. I could see it on his face. It hurt a little bit. “Why…” we mumbled. “Uh… I should really get going now.” He gathered his books and shoved them in his backpack in a hurry. He stopped at the door. “Just forget this ever happened, okay?” he blurted. I was still in shock of what had just happened, I couldn’t even process what he said.

The next day at school was fairly normal, nothing out of the blue, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened yesterday. I would think about the kiss, and a smile would appear on my face. Then I would get mad at myself for allowing that to bring me joy, That was my sister’s boyfriend after all.

The seventh period finally ended and as I was walking to my car, Jack and a few of his friends stopped me in the parking lot. They began shouting and calling me names, saying that I “raped” Jack. That the kiss was non-consensual and that they were scared that I would come at them as well. I realized what Jack had done to me. What he had made our kiss look like to other people. Tears began to form in my eyes. Laynie had already heard about the kiss, from Jack of course. She wouldn’t even look at me when I got home.

A few days passed, Laynie still not talking to me, my days filled with people staring and calling me names under their breath. During the fourth period, I asked to go to the bathroom. I stepped only to find Jack. At first, I was hesitant and almost hoped that he wouldn’t even notice me. Though when he went to open the door and leave, I just couldn’t help myself.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I screamed, “Why are you doing this to me? We both know what really happened that day? You know, who kissed who. So what do you get out of telling people it was all me?”

He looked at me in complete shame. His eyes locked in mine the same way they were that day but filled with tears. “I don’t know, okay?” he paused. “Look I am so so sorry that I hurt you, that was never really my intention and you know that. I just didn’t know what to do. I mean think about it; what would happen to me if everyone found out that I made out with my girlfriend’s brother? And that the only reason I have a girlfriend in the first place is to hide the fact that I’m gay?” Tears rolled down both of his cheeks. “I just…I wasn’t ready for that.”

I stared at him for a little bit, just trying to process what he just said to me. “So it was too hard for to go through and deal, but you think it’s okay for me to have to?” He was left speechless at this moment. I don’t think that there was anything he could’ve said to make me hate him anymore though. I guess he did find something considering he opened his mouth to speak. “Don’t bother,” I interrupted and stormed out of the bathroom.

That was the last time I ever talked to Jack. Eventually, though the truth did come out. After the two had their break, Laynie came to me and apologized for everything that had happened and that she allowed a boy to get in between us. At first, I was extremely angry with what Jack had done. I went through hell at school and at home just because of his pathetic rumors. Though now, looking back, I am kind of happy things went the way they did. This whole series of unfortunate events that I call my junior year of high school helped me find who I truly was. I made new friends, who supported me and my sexuality, I became more honest and close with my parents, and overall my relationships with other people, and especially myself are doing pretty well. I guess I could say I have Jack to thank for all of that.