No Longer
In English we were assigned to write a personal essay about a lesson that you learned. We then recorded this essay and added music and pictures in Garageband.
The blades stopped…and I knew I was done. I loved the movement. These were not deadly, conventionally, and they were not coming towards me, they were the blades that I had worn of my feet for eight years of my life. I was a figure skater. In my heart I think I always will be, because it has been an important part of my life for so long. Ever since I quit it feels so weird and I feel empty without it. I decided to quit and I think that was probably the best decision at the time, but I will always wonder...would I have landed my double axel? Would I have been able to continue and strive to compete in a more competitive level? A question that often comes to mind is “why don’t I go back”? The answer is the same. I was stuck. I felt trapped and honestly I was tired of skating. But, I could never truly be myself except on the ice. My life hasn’t been too difficult, but ever since third grade the friends I have chosen have been the wrong friends. Ice-skating was the main thing that I always had that set me apart from most other people. I always felt calm and less concerned about what others thought of me when I was on the ice competing and practicing. Skating was what many would call a sanctuary, but I decided I had to pull that out of my life because it had begun to keep me from exploring other options. I began ice-skating when I was six and continued for eight years. According to my Mom, I begged to take ice skating classes. Even when she put me into soccer and more “traditional” sports, I still asked to take ice skating classes, I was determined to skate. My parents expected skating to be a best thing to want to do, until I went to my first skating lesson. They were wrong. I loved it and even better, I was good at it. In the first few weeks, I skipped the first three levels and was still improving quickly. My flexibility and natural strength really helped me and I loved the way I could leave all of my problems at the door of the rink. I adored ice-skating and the competition that was imbedded into the sport. On the other hand though, I hated the fact that there was never a relationship with anyone that was truly trustworthy. My second coach taught multiple other students whom I knew I would compete against. She choreographed their routines, showed them key points to work on and spent time helping them work out all the kinks in their routines. I never knew if she was putting the same amount of effort into my routine as the other students that she taught. Another problem that comes up is that any friends you make at the rink are some of those who are trying to beat you in various competitions. It was okay when I only spent an afternoon a week at the rink, but after I started and at least three times a week and my life became the sport. I had little time to spend with my friends and have sleepovers and just have fun. I ended up becoming friends with all of these other students that I never really felt that I could trust because I knew the competition was what mattered more than anything. Skating was an amazing experience. I could step onto the ice and focus on the grace that came with it. My mind was clear. I needed to practice, but I needed to work on jumps and spins that I knew would look good in then end. I understood that everything I worked on would be shown off to the judges and to anyone who came to see me ice-skate. The stress of all of my school work or friend drama seemed to evaporate with all of the warm air in the rink. Eventually I lost the ability to feel the calm of the ice, instead I felt the resistance and the struggle between my blades and my freedom. The only thing that was really the deciding factor was that I could not consistently land my axel. I was trapped. I worked on it for two years, I switched ice rinks, I switched coaches, and I even switched practices to before school. None of this changed that much, well except for the fact that few days a week I was waking up at four o’clock in the morning, but other than that nothing changed. I still couldn’t land my axel. Even with all of these changes, I was still stuck and I couldn’t fix it. The only reason I tried to stay in the sport was because it was my sanctuary. I loved this sport. After spending so much time and energy working in my sanctuary but then it began collapsing upon itself. Where I used to go to get away from my problems had become my problem. This has made me realize that stepping away from where you feel safe is extremely hard. However, the memories of comfort and happiness will never die. In my case, I can always just go back to the rink, step on the ice and be transported back in time to when skating was my life; I will always have a place to be myself and ignore the world.
